This blog is actually supposed to be about horror films but I think that what I am about to post might actually help other people going through something similar. Mental Health.
I have struggled on and off with my mental health since I was about 16. 9 years on and I still struggle, but recently it has really piled on and I have found myself feeling immensely alone and like I have no support system around me, due to the fact that it feels like a lot of people around me are emotionally unavailable to me when I actually need them most. When I don't need looking after, I am fussed over, but the second I do need someone to be there for me and help me feel less alone, that support is suddenly yanked away, and I can't lie, it does feel like a lot of people don't want to be involved with someone who is struggling in any capacity, out of fear that it is catching or something. That is how I feel anway, and I am sure a lot of other people out there feel the same way I do which is why I wanted to open up on here so that anyone reading could feel less alone in how they feel.
With me and my mental health, it first started simmering again earlier this year when my Nan started showing signs of Alzheimer's, this triggered me because I knew that gradually over time I would lose her and one day she won't know who I am anymore, and this is something that was and still is extremely hard to handle and get my head around because she has always been in my life, every major milestone, every single moment of my life she has been there through everything. I don't have a relationship of any sort with my other Nan, so this Nan I am talking about I am very very close too. She was always there for me when I needed her and I always felt safe when I was with her, but now seeing her slowly deteriorate with time, my brain couldn't handle that I would gradually lose one of the most important people to me. This is what started my mental health simmering.
Not long after this happened with my Nan, I was heartlessly dumped by my boyfriend, with no warning at all that something was wrong. One minute he was with me being romantic and telling me he loved me and the next, he had lost all feeling for me, literally in the blink of an eye. If that wasn't bad enough to get my head around, he later told me that he had been planning on ending the relationship for weeks and that when he was last with me telling me he loved me, just before he ended things, he was lying, he had told me he loved me when he didn't. That is a horrible thing to do to someone. It makes you question every single aspect of that relationship, wondering if anything was real. With me, it also led to an extreme lack of self confidence issues, as well as friendship issues. Because since that day, I have struggled in friendships, because I now have it in my head that the people who say they love me, actually don't. I know that is not the case but it is something that is hard to reprogramme in your head once you have been through that sort of thing.
Struggling with your mental health and feeling like you are falling behind everyone else in your life is so hard to handle, especially when you feel like you don't have a support system. Although I have my friends and I do love them to bits, I also can't help but feel like they would rather I didn't have anything wrong me, and that I could just be 'normal'. I know deep down they care but it is also very hard to understand that someone cares about you when actions say something else. I was always told that actions speak louder than words, anyone can say they understand and are there for you, but that means nothing when you aren't actually seeing that they care. I have something called Rejection Sensitivity Disorder, this means that the smallest thing can hurt me extremely. For example, if I make plans with people and then they are cancelled for whatever reason, my brain takes it as rejection and it physically hurts me. My birthdays are really important to me and so I like to celebrate them with the people I love, but this year I unfortunately had to celebrate my birthday on my own because everyone was unavailable. Even though they all had good and valid reasons for not being able to be with me on the day, my brain still took it as rejection. I celebrated my birthday early, the day before the actual thing and I actually invited originally, around 8 people, only 3 came to it, all the other people who didn't go, yes had good reasons but again I took it as rejection and it stays with you. However, the people who were with me that night did really pull me out of the rejection and depression and helped me have fun and I will always appreciate that. What I am trying to say is that, mental health is sooo hard to live with, especially if you feel like you don't have a support system around you, but like I said, I am hoping that anyone reading this can hopefully relate and we can hopefully build a community where we don't feel so alone in things we struggle with.
I love my family and I love my friends, but they do hurt me alot at times, unintentionally. They don't know they are doing it because obviously they don't have my brain, they can't see or understand how things they say and do hurt me a lot. My friends are aware that I do sometimes feel like they aren't emotionally available, and that I feel like a burden to them a lot of the time, but they do at least do some sort of thing to make up for it eventually, when they have comprehended where I was coming from. But it is still hard to have so much going round in your head and feel like you can't talk to them out of fear that they won't want to hear about it, or they won't care, or they are too busy and don't want to be disturbed. But by me writing this I want people to know that I am a safe space and we can all talk to each other about any struggles we have and eventually over time we will all start to feel better.
Thanks for reading, and I am sorry if any of it was rambling at times, I'm not very good at trying to get my words out, but the sentiment is there. I hope that anyone reading this can relate and feel like they aren't alone in anything they are going through.
And to my friends who could be reading this, I want you to know that I do love you with all my heart and I know you are trying. I know you love and care about me and you are trying to be there for me, so I do appreciate that. I just want you all to know that I love you so much and I know you care, you may not always know how to show you care but I do know you do. I love you x.
